In March of 2020, I was planning to embark on a year-long solo adventure around the world.
I’d saved and planned for months… then Covid came along, and in the blink of an eye, all of my carefully laid plans were gone.
Instead of traveling around the world in search of adventure, I was stuck locked in my apartment, feeling sorry for myself.
And whenever I’m in a vulnerable place like that, I tend to fall victim to all or nothing thinking.
The trip was cancelled, so I’ll never travel the world again.
👆 That was the black-and-white thinking that plagued me in the early months of the pandemic.
It seems silly now, but in the moment, my brain was convinced I had two options: Either the trip I’d dreamed of would somehow go forward, or I’d never travel again.
Of course, that wasn’t true.
I never went on that exact trip—but I’ve been living as a digital nomad for a few years now.
If I’d been able to recognize that there were many more outcomes than those two options, I would have saved myself a lot of unnecessary stress.
That’s the tricky thing about all or nothing thinking: It’s incredibly hard to spot, especially in the moment.
Once you start to recognize it, you’ll see black and white thinking everywhere—in yourself and the world around you.
Learning how to overcome and challenge your own all or nothing thinking will take you far in life. It’s one of the several limiting behaviors you don’t want to ignore. Check out our other articles on:
- How to stop catastrophizing
- Overcoming imposter syndrome
- Breaking your reliance on unhealthy coping mechanisms
What is all or nothing thinking?
All or nothing thinking is a cognitive pattern where you see situations, people, or outcomes in absolute terms—with no middle ground between success and failure, good and bad, or right and wrong.
Also called black and white thinking, dichotomous thinking, or polarized thinking, this mental habit treats complex situations as if they only have a very few—often only two—possible outcomes.
You’re either a complete success or a total failure.
A relationship is either perfect or doomed.
A job is either your dream career or a complete waste of time.
Starting to sound familiar? Don’t worry—black and white thinking is a universal human experience, because it’s hardcoded in our ancient history.
Our “caveperson brains” are wired for extremes
From an evolutionary perspective, all or nothing thinking made sense. When faced with a predator, our ancestors needed to make quick, binary decisions: fight or flight, safe or dangerous, friend or foe. This black and white processing helped humans survive in genuine life-or-death situations.
But in our modern world, most situations aren’t actually emergencies.
The promotion you didn’t get isn’t actually a threat to your survival.
A disagreement with your partner doesn’t signal the end of your relationship.
Our brains still default to this extreme processing when we’re stressed, overwhelmed, or facing uncertainty—or simply because we haven’t trained our brains not to do that yet.
All or nothing thinking feels safe
All or nothing thinking also feels psychologically “safe” because it eliminates the discomfort of ambiguity. It’s easier to categorize something as completely good or bad than to sit with the complexity of most real-life situations.
For example, maybe you recently had a 1:1 meeting with your boss where your boss gave you some glowing feedback, but also got angry with you about a small mistake. You might write off your manager as a toxic boss, which is easier than accepting that they are sometimes skilled and kind and other times tactless.
When you’re dealing with uncertainty, your brain craves clarity and control. Extreme thinking provides that illusion of certainty, even when it’s not accurate or helpful. It’s much more comfortable to decide that a new job, course, or relationship is either “perfect” or “terrible” than to acknowledge that it might have both positive and negative aspects that you’ll need to navigate.
Experiences can shape your black and white thinking
Your family upbringing and early experiences play a huge role in developing this thinking pattern. If you grew up in a household where love felt conditional on performance—where you were either the “good kid” or the “problem child”—you might have learned to see yourself and others in these stark terms.
When we are young, we are very susceptible to the black and white thinking we experience in the world around us.
For example, as a kid I was very nervous in gym class and didn’t take naturally to sports. From a very young age, I decided I just “wasn’t athletic” (something my mother often said about herself).
Now as an adult, I go to the gym frequently and jog several times a week. I am still trying to convince myself that I’m “not athletic,” since my brain decided that was the only answer so long ago.
People who grew up in environments where things often felt unsafe or chaotic can also develop a tendency to lean on black and white thinking, because categorizing confusing and frightening situations can ease anxiety in the short term.
Traumatic experiences can also reinforce this pattern. When you’ve been hurt, your brain becomes hypervigilant about potential threats, sorting people and situations into “safe” or “dangerous” categories without much room for nuance.
While this thinking pattern might have served you in certain situations, it often becomes a limitation as you navigate the complex realities of adult life.
If you’re dealing with past trauma or limiting beliefs, consider seeking out a professional therapist or psychologist. Here are a few resources to help:Mental health resources
How black and white thinking holds you back
All or nothing thinking might feel protective, but it creates invisible barriers that limit your potential and damage your relationships.
The costs often sneak up on you, or they’re completely invisible—missed opportunities, broken connections, and a constant sense that life is more difficult than it needs to be.
Personal relationships
Black and white thinking turns relationships into pass-or-fail tests where one mistake can end everything. You might cut off friendships after a single disagreement, or expect your romantic partner to meet impossible standards of perfection.
This pattern prevents you from developing the skills needed for healthy, long-term relationships—like forgiveness, compromise, and accepting that people are complex. Instead of working through conflicts or accepting that good people sometimes make poor choices, you write people off entirely.
What all or nothing thinking sounds like in relationships:
Related resources:
Career and opportunities
In your professional life, all or nothing thinking keeps you from taking calculated risks and pursuing opportunities that could change your career in ways you can’t imagine.
You might not apply for jobs unless you meet every single requirement, or avoid networking events because you don’t feel “ready” to make a perfect impression.
This pattern also makes you more likely to quit when things get challenging, rather than pushing through the inevitable learning curve that comes with any new role or skill. You end up playing it safe in ways that ultimately limit your career trajectory.
What all or nothing thinking sounds like at work:
Related resources:
Personal growth and learning
Black and white thinking is the enemy of skill development and personal goals. It makes you abandon new hobbies after early struggles, avoid challenges where you might not immediately excel, and give up on goals the moment you encounter setbacks.
This pattern prevents you from embracing the messy, non-linear process that real learning requires. Instead of seeing mistakes and slow progress as normal parts of growth, you interpret them as evidence that you’re not cut out for whatever you’re attempting.
What black and white thinking sounds like with learning and growth:
Related resources:
Mental health and self-worth
Perhaps most damaging of all, black and white thinking ties your entire sense of self-worth to external outcomes. You’re either a complete success or total failure as a person, with no room for the normal ups and downs of the human experience.
This creates unnecessary shame cycles where you start to see temporary setbacks as evidence of fundamental character flaws. It also makes you more vulnerable to anxiety and depression, since your emotional well-being starts to depend on maintaining an impossible standard of constant success.
What all or nothing thinking sounds like about yourself:
Practical ways to counter all or nothing thinking
Breaking free from all or nothing thinking (and all thinking traps) requires building new mental habits that create space between your initial reaction and your response. The goal isn’t to eliminate these thoughts completely—they’ll still pop up—but to catch them before they drive your decisions.
Look for patterns and triggers
The first step is recognizing all or nothing thinking when it happens. Certain words and phrases are dead giveaways that your brain has shifted into polarized thought.
One of the best ways to do this is to start scanning your thoughts and conversation for “absolute language.” Words like these:
- Always/Never
- Completely/Totally
- Perfect/worst
- Only way/impossible
For now, don’t panic or envision alarm bells when you hear these words. Instead, try doing something to mark the action—tap your shoulder, hum a note, boop your own nose.
This is a method of psychological anchoring, training your mind to associate a certain thought pattern with a certain action.
Later, you’ll be able to remember when you made the action, and review the all or nothing thoughts to see how you might reframe them.
It’s important to set aside time to actually pause and review these moments. You can do this by journaling, meditating, walking outside, or just letting your thoughts wander as you do the dishes.
Ask yourself these questions:
- What was my emotional state during the black and white thinking?
- Have there been other moments like this recently?
- How were they similar or different?
- How did I express my all or nothing thinking? (Interior thoughts? To a friend?)
- How did I feel before, during, and after the all or nothing thoughts?
Eventually, patterns will start to emerge. For example, I’m far more likely to resort to black and white thinking when I’m hungry, tired, or stressed from work. It’s also far more common for me at night than it is in the morning.
Knowing this allows me to be on the lookout for all or nothing thinking, at which point I can start to use reframing techniques to flip the script on my own brain.
Reframing strategies once you notice the triggers
Once you’ve caught yourself in all or nothing thinking, the real work begins: actively challenging and reframing those extreme thoughts.
This is not a practice that involves shaming yourself or being hard on yourself for falling into the black and white thinking trap. It takes time and consistency to even start noticing your subtle black and white thinking, and you’ll need even more patience as you start to shift into reframing.
These exercises can help:
1. Ask yourself better questions.
Instead of accepting your first extreme thought, get curious about it. When your brain says “I’m terrible at this,” ask: “What specifically am I struggling with? What parts am I actually doing well? What would I tell a friend in this situation?”
These questions force your brain out of automatic mode and into analytical thinking, where nuance and complexity can emerge. You might discover that you’re actually good at 80% of your job responsibilities and only struggling with one particular skill that you could improve with practice.
2. Look for evidence that contradicts your extreme thought.
All or nothing thinking cherry-picks information that supports the extreme narrative, ignoring any evidence that proves otherwise.
So it’s your job to discover the evidence yourself. If you’re thinking, “I never follow through on anything,” spend five minutes listing times you did complete projects, kept commitments, or stuck with difficult situations. The more you focus on the full picture, the easier it will be to pull back from your polarized thoughts.
3. Practice the “zoom out” technique.
All or nothing thinking thrives in the immediate moment when emotions are high. Ask yourself: “How will I feel about this situation in a week? A month? A year?”
This perspective shift often reveals that what feels catastrophic right now is actually a minor setback in the bigger picture of your life. The presentation that went poorly won’t define your entire career. The argument with your friend doesn’t erase years of good memories and mutual support.
4. Use “progress, not perfection” language.
Instead of “I ruined my sleep schedule last night,” try “I chose to stay up too late last night, but tonight is a new opportunity to get eight hours of sleep.” Instead of “I’m bad at public speaking,” try “I’m still developing my public speaking skills.”
This language acknowledges reality without the harsh finality that all or nothing thinking demands. It keeps the door open for improvement and learning rather than slamming it shut with a permanent verdict about your capabilities.
5. Set realistic timelines for change.
All or nothing thinking often includes unrealistic expectations about how quickly change should happen. Remind yourself that meaningful growth takes time, setbacks are normal, and progress isn’t always linear.
If you’re learning a new skill, research how long it typically takes to develop proficiency, and be lenient with yourself. If you’re working on a personal habit, remember that most behavioral changes require weeks or months of practice. Adjusting your expectations helps you stay in the gray area where real learning happens.
Everyone is susceptible to all or nothing thinking. It takes time and effort to recognize it in yourself, and then start reframing how you approach challenging situations. If you can start to appreciate the nuance in the world around you, you’ll be far more likely to encounter new and exciting relationships and opportunities throughout your life.
