In today’s “me-first” culture, practicing selflessness feels both rebellious and refreshing. Integrating acts of kindness into our lives can make a positive impact and add purpose to our days.
With that said, trying to be all things to all people can be a slippery slope.
Excessive selflessness can be just as harmful to a person’s well-being as an overly self-centered worldview. So, how do you know when enough is enough?
Whether you feel like you give too much or too little, this article will teach you how to be more selfless (while keeping your motivations and boundaries in check).
The virtue of selflessness and why it’s important
Selflessness is not something only reserved for non-profit founders, firefighters, and 2 a.m. Doordash delivery drivers. It’s about making a daily effort to prioritize others without completely sidelining ourselves.
Historically speaking, cultures across the globe have always held a deep appreciation for selflessness.
Ancient Greeks revered “agape” or selfless love, while Eastern philosophies, such as Confucianism, Hinduism, or Buddhism, often emphasized living in service to the greater good.
Despite their differences, these cultures saw selflessness as society’s glue.
But why strive to be selfless?
The benefits of selflessness aren’t limited to making you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Acting selflessly benefits individuals, groups, and communities both practically (think volunteering time or donating money) and/or relationally (for example, rearranging your schedule to support a friend going through a tough time).
Besides your external impact, selflessness offers emotional rewards, personal growth, and a major boost in self-worth.
A study by Michaël Dambrun and Matthieu Ricard suggests that selfless behavior allows us to live more harmoniously with the world as a whole, which promotes emotional stability and mindfulness.
Essentially, by being considerate of others and their needs, we become more connected to everything going on around us.
Selflessness is like throwing a pebble into a pond—the ripple effects of kind deeds can spread, touching countless lives and fostering goodwill. This interconnectedness, driven by genuine acts of concern and understanding, molds a more compassionate society.
Considering all the positives, it does make you wonder…
Why is being selfless so challenging sometimes?
Our evolutionary coding has always pushed us toward self-preservation. From our primitive ancestors, who had to fight tooth and nail just to survive, to our modern selves, the urge to prioritize personal needs remains strong.
Today three main challenges make it difficult to balance that innate instinct with acts of selflessness:
- Individualistic culture: With society’s relentless pace and focus on individual achievements, taking the time to help others can feel like shooting yourself in the foot. Unfortunately, “Most Selfless” isn’t a title you’ll typically see on a trophy.
- Emotional barriers: Whether it’s the fear of being taken advantage of or the shadows of past traumas, these walls can make us second-guess ourselves before lending a hand. Sometimes selflessness means confronting and even befriending our vulnerabilities.
- Boundaries: Arguably the most difficult task for a selfless person is deciding where to draw the line. For many, there is a strong sense of guilt associated with saying “no,” even if it’s in response to an unreasonable request.
And to top it all off, excessive selflessness offers a whole slew of issues to unpack. Which brings me to this question:
Can too much selflessness be a bad thing?
The short answer is, yes, especially when it blindsides our own well-being.
Overgiving consists of continuously placing others’ needs above our own, which can swiftly lead to burnout. And this isn’t just about feeling physically tired (which is also common); it’s that creeping emotional and mental fatigue.
There’s evidence that burnout caused by excessively caring for others can lead to depression symptoms, low subjective health, and even feelings of resentment toward those receiving the care.
It’s a gradual process, where suddenly you’re wondering why your own needs always get pushed to the bottom of your priority list.
Excessive selflessness can also harm relationships with others.
Have you ever had a relationship where it felt like you were doing all the heavy lifting? It can work well enough for a while, but there’s typically an ever-present feeling that the breaking point is just around the corner.
Beyond exhaustion, these one-sided affairs risk becoming breeding grounds for dependency or even facilitating behaviors that, in the long run, aren’t beneficial for either party.
But perhaps the most subtle, yet profound effect of excessive selflessness is the potential loss of your personal identity. Being too engrossed in others’ needs can overshadow your own desires, goals, and aspirations.
This situation is especially common with parents and anyone else in full-time caregiver roles. Caregiving, without healthy support or time away can become all-consuming, creating an internal void and feelings of detachment from who you truly are.
If you have a tendency to prioritize others to a fault and neglect your own needs, check out these other articles:
The good news? Even though finding a balance between healthy and excessive selflessness is challenging, it’s definitely doable.
How to be more selfless without totally losing yourself
Everyone wants to make a difference, and there are many ways to go about it.
Below, you’ll find eight tips that will help you create (or maintain) a healthy identity as a do-gooder.
1. Understand your motives
Selflessness can be a beautiful thing, but it’s vital to keep it rooted in authenticity.
Why are you choosing the path of selflessness? Are you doing so out of the kindness of your heart, or do you wait for applause after every generous act?
Of course, it’s totally fine to feel good about yourself when helping others.
Whenever I feel proud of a random act of kindness I’ve done, I’m always reminded of this “Friends” clip where Joey argues that no good deed is truly selfless if you feel good about yourself afterward:
While I don’t necessarily agree with Joey’s perspective, I do believe it’s important to consider your motives when doing something kind for someone else.
You can do this by keeping a journal where you reflect on your thoughts and actions, or you can discuss your feelings with a friend or mental health professional. These are great ways to understand yourself better and ensure that your heart is in the right place.
If you’re looking for more perspective, or just need a little inspiration, check out this post:
2. Set clear boundaries
We’ve all heard it: “Set boundaries.” Yet, many still find themselves drained in the name of selflessness. Trust your gut and learn to say no, so you don’t overextend yourself.
Writer Wendy Litner, who describes herself as a “yes woman,” had always said yes to everything, to the point where she didn’t have much left in the tank.
After a conversation with her husband, she realized that her distaste for the word “no” wasn’t because she was weak; rather, she couldn’t say no because she didn’t value herself and her time as much as she valued others.
This epiphany caused Litner to commit to a whole month of saying no. After 30 days of rejecting food she dislikes, panels she didn’t want to speak at, and requests for free labor, she made some discoveries about herself.
While she still considers herself a people pleaser, she now recognizes that being agreeable should not come at the cost of sacrificing her values or her sense of self.
Setting boundaries doesn’t make you less compassionate. It’s a subtle art of letting people know your limits, ensuring you can continue giving without draining your reserves.
If you struggle to say no, the resource below is for you:
3. Practice regular self-care
Ah, self-care. Everyone’s favorite post-pandemic buzzword.
It’s more than just spa days and binge-watching your favorite series. It encompasses mental, emotional, and physical rejuvenation. A well-nourished self has a greater capacity to serve others.
Given the modern societal hustle, it’s easy to simply forgo “you time” to instead focus on daily responsibilities.
Try blocking off time in your schedule every week for something that makes you feel truly alive. Whether it’s art, athletics, or a bath, by physically writing down your intention to take time for yourself, you are much more likely to follow through.
Remember this: By taking care of yourself, you’re indirectly taking care of those around you. It’s a cycle where your well-being feeds into your capacity to be genuinely selfless.
If you’re struggling to put the pep back in your step, these posts can help:
4. Develop empathy, not martyrdom
Empathy and martyrdom—they might sound like two sides of the same coin, but they’re vastly different.
True empathy means understanding and sharing the feelings of another. Martyrdom, on the other hand, involves unnecessary sacrifice—often to your own detriment.
In her essay on the morality of selflessness, philosopher Jean Hampton argues that when deciding between a self-benefiting action and a self-sacrificial action, we need to view ourselves and our needs as equal in value to those of others.
In other words, prioritizing ourselves over others can be just as morally responsible as acting selflessly if the alternative puts ourselves at risk.
If you’re looking to improve your capacity for empathy, the best way to do it is to seek out unfamiliar situations, places, and people.
By having conversations with people who live vastly different lives from you, you’ll start to develop a broader sense of what it means to be human. This is a crucial step on the path to mutual understanding.
Alternatively, if you’re not quite ready to thrust yourself into uncomfortable environments in the real world, many psychologists have found that reading books or watching TV shows depicting diverse perspectives is another great option.
5. Engage in voluntary acts of kindness
Kindness doesn’t always need a grand stage. Sometimes, it’s the simple acts, like sharing a smile with a stranger or helping a neighbor with their groceries, that leave lasting imprints.
If you’d like to make a habit out of these daily doses of selflessness, try a random-acts-of-kindness jar. Write down different acts on small slips of paper, and choose one whenever you want to make someone’s day a little better.
Whether you plan your acts of kindness or they’re spur-of-the-moment decisions, they carry weight. One kind gesture can set off a chain reaction of goodness.
My dad has always told me that the best way to make yourself feel better when you’re feeling down is to do something nice for someone else.
The next time you need a pick-me-up, try out a random of act of kindness and see how you feel afterward.
For further reading on giving back, check out this post:
6. Seek feedback and reflection
Feedback isn’t just for work performance. It’s invaluable in personal growth, too.
Taking insights from friends and family about your selfless endeavors can offer fresh perspectives and areas for improvement.
Sit down with someone you trust and ask them if they’ll help you reflect on your progress. It might seem a little weird at first, but it’s always great to have someone to bounce ideas off of.
But don’t just look outward. Internal reflection will help your journey of selflessness stay grounded and aligned with your well-being.
Document your actions, how they made you feel, and anything you’d like to do differently. Regularly reviewing this can provide invaluable insights.
7. Educate yourself
Deepen your understanding of the concepts of altruism and empathy. Dive into resources, attend seminars, or seek out conversations to broaden your perspective.
If you have a cause you’re especially interested in, learn as much as you can about that topic so you can become a knowledgeable advocate.
For those inclined, there are numerous books and resources out there. This link has several titles that psychologists recommend for developing one’s empathy, but I’d also encourage you to do a quick Google search to find resources about whichever skills you hope to improve.
8. Prioritize quality over quantity
Last but not least, focus on the depth of your selfless acts. It’s not about how frequently you help but how deeply and genuinely you connect. Quality always trumps quantity.
You’ve probably heard the story about a boy who was walking along a beach after a storm and throwing beached starfish back into the ocean.
An old man laughed to himself after noticing his efforts and said to him, “There are thousands of starfish washed up on this beach. You can’t save all of them. What difference could you possibly make?”
The boy grabbed another starfish and flung far into the ocean. “Made a difference for that one!” he said, smiling.
Try as we might, our acts of kindness will never reach everyone. Instead of dwelling on those you couldn’t help, focus on the lives you do touch.
Selflessness takes practice, but it’s worth it
To act selflessly in the modern age, you’ll have to fight against a selfish culture, emotional barriers, and even your own genetic coding.
On top of all that, you also need to tend to your own needs and motivations. Remember, be cautious of becoming too selfless at the risk of burnout and identity loss.
As tough as it seems, you’re already making an effort just by reading this article!
There’s no better time to get started than right now.
Discover how you want to use your gifts to spread kindness to others, but don’t forget you always deserve kindness from yourself.
