I learned one of my most important lessons in college outside of the classroom. My four years on campus taught me why you should surround yourself with good people—and what happens if you don’t.
Even if you decide college isn’t for you, as you get older, you’ll have more and more input and control over who is in your social circle.
You’ll also be far more likely to meet people who rub you the wrong way, or even cause you harm. And you can’t always tell right away which people are the ones you want to keep around, and which relationships may end up in discord.
Fortunately, I’m at an age now where I can look back on those years and see which of the friends and loved ones are still here, two decades later. Today, I’m proud to say there is no one in my chosen social circle who is harmful or toxic.
With that kind of hindsight, here are my takes on what it means to surround yourself with good people.
What do I mean by “good people”?
The phrase “good people” is ambiguous, because “good” can mean so many different things.
For the purposes of this article, I’m using the phrase “good people” to represent a number of different personality traits and behaviors that lead to long, healthy relationships.
Here are the traits I’m including under my “good people” umbrella:
Honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable
At the top of my list his honesty. If you’re going to surround yourself with good people, you must be certain that they are trustworthy. If a person can’t be honest with you after getting to know you, then you won’t ever be able to truly get close to them.
Honesty is more than just telling the truth (that’s the baseline of what you should expect from people you hold close). It also means telling you their honest opinion, even when it might be hard for you to hear. Good people have your best interests at heart, so when they tell you an honest but uncomfortable truth, it pays to listen.
Emotional awareness and healthy regulation
Good people understand their own emotions and can manage them appropriately. They don’t explode at you over minor inconveniences or treat you like their personal therapist every time they’re upset.
This doesn’t mean they’re emotionally perfect or never have bad days—everyone goes through tough moments, big and small. But emotionally aware people can recognize when they’re in a rough patch and communicate about it instead of taking it out on the people around them.
They also respect your emotional boundaries. If you tell them you’re not in the mood to talk about something heavy, they listen. If you need space, they give it to you without making it about them.
Active listening and remembering what you tell them
In conversation, good people don’t just wait for their turn to talk—they actually absorb what you’re saying. This is called active listening.
How do you know if someone is listening actively, and not just nodding along? You can probably feel it if you pay attention, but you’ll also know because they will remember the things you tell them. They will ask you follow-up questions about your job interview or that new relationship. They remember because they listen, and they listen because they care.
A willingness to stand up for themselves and others
Good people have boundaries and aren’t afraid to enforce them. Someone who lets everyone walk all over them might seem nice, but they often end up resentful or passive-aggressive.
Related: 7 ways being a people-pleaser makes life worse
More importantly, they’ll also stand up for you when you’re not around. If someone’s talking trash about you at a party, good people don’t just stay silent—they either defend you or remove themselves from the conversation. You want people in your corner who have proven they’ll actually be there when it counts.
Pay attention to how the people in your social circle treat others outside the social circle as well. Do they frequently talk negatively about people who aren’t present? Are they rude or cruel or dismissive to strangers? These are warning signs, even if they are kind to you—good people spread their kindness around, and don’t reserve it only for their inner circle.
Two misconceptions about good people
When you’re trying to figure out who deserves a place in your inner circle, it’s easy to get distracted by the wrong signals. Don’t let these two unfortunately common beliefs get in your way:
Being “cringe” doesn’t make someone a bad person
I have a vendetta against the word “cringe.” It’s often used online to shame people who are doing something that others find embarrassing. Usually, whatever they are doing that is “cringe” is just them being enthusiastic, passionate, curious, and maybe a little nerdy about a particular topic. That’s not cringe—that’s called being human.
The truly “cringey” behavior is being judgemental of other people’s interests and passions. It’s cringe to be hateful, rude, bigoted, and narcissistic—that’s behavior that should make one feel guilt.
On the other hand, people who embrace their interests without shame tend to be more authentic in other areas too. They’re less likely to hide their true feelings or pretend to be someone they’re not to impress you.
Wealth and trendiness aren’t character indicators
There are people out there who choose who they want in their inner circle by looking at who has the nicest car, the best clothes, the biggest bank account, the most luxurious travel photos. But someone’s bank account tells you nothing about whether they’ll be there when you need them.
Some of the most generous, loyal friends I’ve had were broke college students. Meanwhile, I’ve met plenty of wealthy people who were selfish, unreliable, or just plain mean. Judge people by how they treat others, not by what they’re wearing, and you’re much more likely to have good people in your life.
What happens when you surround yourself with good people?
Now that you understand what I mean when I’m talking about “good people,” let’s discuss what happens when you start to incorporate these kinds of folks into your life—while also distancing yourself from people who don’t meet these standards.
Your own standards naturally rise
When you spend time with people who are honest, emotionally aware, and supportive, you start expecting these traits from everyone in your life. You become less tolerant of drama, manipulation, and disrespect because you know what healthy relationships actually feel like.
As a result, you will find that your life is much more peaceful. I don’t mean life will be boring—you will just have the space to find excitement in things other than the personal dramas of your friends and family.
You feel comfortable being yourself
Good people create psychological safety. You don’t have to constantly monitor what you say or worry about being judged for your interests, struggles, or quirks. This freedom to be authentic reduces stress and allows you to show up more fully in all areas of your life.
When you’re not walking on eggshells around your friends, you have more energy for the things that actually matter.
Conflict becomes productive instead of destructive
Disagreements still happen when you’re surrounded by good people—the difference is how they’re handled. Instead of screaming matches, silent treatments, or passive-aggressive behavior, you get honest conversations that actually resolve issues.
Good people can disagree with you without attacking your character or making you feel like the relationship is in jeopardy. They focus on solving problems rather than winning arguments.
You get genuine support during tough times
When life hits hard—and it will—good people show up. They don’t disappear when you’re going through a breakup, struggling financially, or dealing with family drama. They offer practical help, emotional support, or just their presence when that’s what you need.
This support isn’t contingent on what you can do for them in return—good people don’t see relationships as transactional. Instead, they help because they care, not because they’re keeping score.
Your wins are celebrated, not resented
Perhaps most importantly, good people genuinely want you to succeed. When you get promoted, start dating someone wonderful, or achieve a goal you’ve been working toward, they celebrate with you instead of finding ways to diminish your accomplishment.
There’s no jealousy, competition, or subtle undermining. Your success doesn’t threaten them because they’re secure in themselves and want the best for the people they care about.
How to surround yourself with good people
So, how do you go about surrounding yourself with good people? I have a few tips, but there’s one golden rule above all others.
To surround yourself with good people, practice being a good person yourself.
Go back through this article and read over the list of traits that make up a good person. Are you living by those same guidelines?
Do you practice kind honesty with your loved ones?
Are you an active listener who remembers things about the people in your lives?
Do you show equal respect to all people, even those who aren’t your friends?
Are you doing the work to feel, manage, and communicate your emotions?
Have you set boundaries, and are you sticking to them?
You don’t need to be perfect at all these things—no one is. But if you want to surround yourself with good people, you should be doing your best to practice the same behaviors you want to attract. Then, the right people will find you naturally.
Here are some articles to check out that focus on various aspects of being a good person (in this context). Check these out:
Be on the lookout for good people—and go where they are likely to be
If you’re hungry for the kind of deep social connection you get when you surround yourself with good people, you don’t need to wait for them to come to you.
You likely cross paths with good people every day—in the classroom, at work, out in public. If you have your ears and eyes open, you’ll start to see good people all around you. Then it’s just a matter of being brave enough to talk to people IRL. If you can do that, you’ll soon have good people in your circle.
You can also put yourself in situations where good people are likely to congregate. Consider volunteering; most people who donate their time are likely to possess at least some of the traits in this article. Here’s a list of community service ideas and resources.
You can also try joining social clubs through your school or at your community center. Put yourself in social situations with people who share your interests, and you’ll be on the right track. Here’s a guide to making friends as an adult (without being weird about it).
When you can’t choose your connections
You have a lot of control over who you allow into your inner circle—but no one has complete control over their social relationships.
You can’t pick your family, and unless you work for yourself, you probably don’t have a lot of control over your colleagues either. The same can be said for your classmates and the random people you interact with every day.
So how do you deal with people who you can’t simply cut out of your circle? We have guides for that as well:
I will leave you with one final tip to help you surround yourself with good people:
Be patient.
It will take time to find your people. You’ll make some friends who are only meant to be in your life for a short time. You’ll meet others who only seem like an acquaintance, and then you find them standing by your side a decade later.
Give people the time and patience they need to be themselves, and allow them to do the same for you. Withhold judgement, and be the kind of person you want to attract to your circle. The rest will follow.
