When you’re young, friendship opportunities are easy to come by.
For most of your childhood and teenage years, you’ll be in school surrounded by peers, not to mention people you meet through extracurricular activities.
As you get older, whether you choose college or an alternative, you’ll meet other friend contenders through your courses or work life.
Even with all these opportunities, finding and keeping good friends takes work!
And it gets harder from there once you leave home and start living on your own. People get into relationships, leave jobs, or move away, and once-strong relationships can quickly and quietly fizzle out.
There’s no getting around it—if you want to be the kind of person who has deep, rich friendships throughout life, then you need to be prepared to put in lots of work to get there.
Fortunately, though it takes work to be a good friend, the work is enriching, exciting, and meaningful (even if it is challenging sometimes).
If you want to learn how to be a good friend, you’re in the right place. First, I’ll cover some honest definitions of good, solid friendship. Then I’ll dive into the practical things you can do to be a better friend and strengthen your relationships.
Here’s a quick cooking metaphor for you: Imagine every person has their own unique flavor—no two flavors are exactly alike.
When you mix two or more flavors together, you’ll have different outcomes. Sometimes the results will be exciting, complementary, and delicious. Others will be an acquired taste that grows on you over time, or you’ll experience an unpleasant clash of disagreeable flavors.
This is how friendships work as well. Some people come together and enrich each other, while others simply aren’t meant to be friends (and that’s totally ok).
Though each friendship flavor is unique, there are hallmarks that separate truly good friendships from those that won’t stand the test of time. Here’s how to measure a true friendship:
Equality is perhaps the most fundamental part of any friendship, as it impacts the other ingredients listed below. All parties involved need to offer mutual support, respect, empathy, and vulnerability.
Relationships will naturally ebb and flow, as one person may require more support than another. But, over time, the amount invested should roughly equal out.
⚠️ It’s a problem when… one person consistently invests way more than the other.
True friends offer support to each other in all aspects of the relationship—and they accept support when it’s offered. These can be small things (driving a friend to the airport) or big things (supporting a friend through a breakup).
⚠️ It’s a problem when… a friend who needs support is ignored, mocked, judged, or mistreated.
A good friendship will evolve over time. Thanks to mutual support, both friends will have a better chance of achieving their goals while also maturing emotionally.
⚠️ It’s a problem when… friends are a bad influence on each other, causing one another to fall short of their potential.
Friendships that last a long time will meet challenges. Not only will you have personality clashes that need to be worked through, but life events—like location changes, romantic issues, and shifting interests—can put a friendship to the test.
The best friendships can weather such challenges and come out stronger.
⚠️ It’s a problem when… friends are constantly arguing, ghosting each other, or not making time to connect.
Friendships often start because of mutual interests or circumstances—such as joining the same sports team or working together on a school project. But to move from acquaintance to friendship, you need to take things to a deeper emotional level.
⚠️ It’s a problem when… the relationship is only based on something surface-level and doesn’t have any deeper “glue” to hold it together.
Maybe you recognize some of the qualities above in your existing friendships.
But don’t worry if you also think you have room for improvement—the fact that you want to learn how to be a better friend indicates you have what it takes to deepen your current friendships or find new friends in the future. (Here are more tips on how to make friends as an adult, btw.)
Below you’ll find the best tips for taking your friendships to the next level by being the best friend you can be.
When we talk about “investing in a friendship,” a big part of that investment is your time. If you want to strengthen a relationship, you must find time for the friends you value most.
This can be harder than it seems, especially as life gets more complicated. It may be easy to make time for your best friends in high school or college because they’re physically close by and your schedules align.
But after that, you need to work a lot harder to dedicate time to friends. Fortunately, there are many practical ways to do this, even if you’re far apart or bogged down with a busy schedule.
⚡Practical Tips:
Making time for a good friend is important, but if you really want to know how to be a better friend, you need to learn all about active and passive listening.
That article breaks it down in detail, but it boils down to this:
Active listening is when you focus completely on what someone is saying without thinking about what you want to say next. You pay attention to their body language, ask engaging questions, and use your conversation skills to go deeper into what someone is talking about.
This requires you to practice empathy, put your own thoughts on the back burner, and (surprise, surprise) invest emotionally in the person you’re talking to—in this case, your friend.
⚡Practical tips:
Being vulnerable is scary. It’s human nature to want to protect our vulnerabilities—the things that make us feel self-conscious, ashamed, or inferior in some way.
But one of the primary reasons we need friends is to make our vulnerabilities less intimidating by sharing them. For this to work, you need friendships that are full of trust and devoid of judgment.
This means you must be attentive, empathetic, and non-judgemental when a friend shares their vulnerabilities with you (no matter how big or small they are).
And in exchange, you must be willing to open up and reveal more of your true self so that you can journey into a deeper relationship together at roughly the same pace.
⚡Practical Tips:
A long friendship is naturally filled with ups and downs. With enough time, both members of a friendship will experience successes and heartbreaks in life.
And beyond that, it’s natural for friendships to ebb and flow over the years. It’s not uncommon for good friends to go weeks or months without seeing or talking to each other much, if that’s the right rhythm for both partners.
But even when time and distance turn down the energy, it’s important to pay close attention to the peaks and valleys in your friends’ lives. Promotions, new relationships, anniversaries, graduation, breakups, kids… the list of life milestones goes on and on.
As a good friend, your job is to be there for as many of these moments as possible. This doesn’t necessarily mean being there in person, but you should be paying attention, reaching out, and letting your friends know that you’re there to support and listen, no matter what’s happening in their lives.
⚡Practical tips:
The vast majority of the time you spend with friends should be joyful, playful, and meaningful. But sometimes, you need friends who will challenge you—and you need to be willing to do the same, even when it’s hard.
Think of your friends as your inner council. You keep them close because you trust and respect them. You seek out their opinions when you need guidance, and you offer your perspective when they need the same.
The most valuable members of your inner council are the ones who will share their true, honest opinions with you and do so with your best interests at heart.
Other times, you’ll have to tell your friend a difficult truth or even confront a friend who isn’t treating you, themselves, or others well.
The key is to always do this with kindness and compassion.
Never tear your friends down, insult them, shame them, or make fun of them. Instead, offer them honest feedback, help them explore and understand negative patterns in their lives, and tell them when you’re concerned about them.
⚡Practical tips:
I’ll end this guide with the most fun tip on how to be a better friend.
If you really want to be one of those friends that shines like a diamond, build random acts of thoughtfulness into your friendships.
We already mentioned how important it is to be there for friends during major milestones. But it’s equally important to demonstrate your affection and appreciation for friends randomly, simply because you want to.
There are so many delightful ways to show love for your friends. It can be as simple as picking up the tab when you can afford it or sending a friend a video or meme that makes you think of them.
The key is to do these things not because you expect anything in return but because you truly want your friend to know how valuable they are to you. That’s how to be a better friend—and keep friends for life.
⚡Practical tips:
Making and keeping friends take work—but there’s no work quite as fulfilling and important. Use these practical tips to deepen your relationships, and keep investing your time and heart into your friends. It will pay off throughout life.
