It happened just last week.
I was walking to meet an old friend for brunch. This was someone I hadn’t seen in years, and as I walked, I had my head down and was deep in thought, trying to imagine how brunch would play out.
What would he think of my outfit?
Will he be impressed by my new job?
Is he going to judge me if I order the fried pickles before 11 a.m.?
I was only a few blocks away from the restaurant before I caught myself. I’ve been working hard to learn how to stop caring what other people think, and here I was, totally drowning in all that anxiety!
After a few deep breaths and some self-talk (I’ll explain what that means in a moment), I was able to get back on the sidewalk and out of my head.
Only then was I able to take in the scenery around me. I was, in fact, visiting New York City that weekend, walking down 5th Avenue, and hadn’t even noticed all of the incredible architecture and interesting people around me.
I wonder how many other people on that city street were doing the same thing as me—lost in thought, thinking about someone else and their opinions.
It’s natural to do it as a human, but so often, we can get so caught up worrying about what other people think, we miss out on the wonderful things happening around and within us.
It’s impossible to stop caring what people think entirely—and that wouldn’t be a good idea. But there are ways to stop these kinds of thoughts from derailing your happiness and progress in life.
Why we’re wired to care (and why that’s not always a bad thing)
One thing I can assure you: Everyone compares themselves to other people. Even the coolest, most nonchalant people are doing it.
That’s because we are hardwired as humans to care what others think. We are social creatures, and since the dawn of humanity, being accepted by others was vitally important. Long ago, being excluded from your social group (a tribe, clan, or community) could be a literal death sentence.
Today, social exclusion may not be so treacherous, but our natural instinct to care about what other people think remains—and it actually serves us well in many situations.
Caring what others think helps us build stronger relationships, succeed in professional environments, and contribute positively to our communities. The ability to read social cues and adjust our behavior accordingly is actually a sign of emotional intelligence. It shows that we can step outside ourselves and consider how our actions affect others.
When you dress appropriately for a wedding or think twice before interrupting someone in a meeting, you’re using social awareness to navigate the world more effectively.
Related: The Truth About Main Character Syndrome
But like many evolutionary traits, this hardwired tendency can sometimes work against us in modern life.
When caring what others think becomes a problem
While social awareness has its benefits, this natural tendency can easily spiral into something that limits your potential and happiness. Here are a few examples that might sound familiar:
➡️ It creates social anxiety that makes you withdraw
When you’re constantly worried about how others perceive you, social situations can feel like minefields. You might find yourself avoiding parties, networking events, or even casual hangouts because the mental energy required to manage everyone’s potential judgments feels exhausting.
Example: You get invited to a coworker’s birthday party, but instead of being excited, you spend days worrying about what to wear, who will be there, and whether you’ll say the right things. Eventually, you decide it’s easier to skip the event entirely and make up an excuse about being busy.
➡️ It trips you up in high-pressure situations
Job interviews, first dates, presentations—these moments require you to be authentic and confident. But when you’re overly focused on what the other person is thinking, you can’t access your natural personality and skills.
Example: You’re heading into the final round of a job interview and, as you’re getting ready, you can’t stop thinking about whether your outfit is professional enough, if your handshake was too weak last time, and what the interviewer thought about your previous answers. By the time you sit down, you’re so in your head that you stumble over interview questions you know you could answer easily.
➡️ It creates unnecessary anxiety based on assumptions
Most people aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are. Everyone is dealing with their own concerns, insecurities, and daily challenges. Yet we often torture ourselves imagining detailed judgments that probably never crossed anyone else’s mind.
Example: You notice a coworker didn’t smile back at you in the hallway, and you spend the rest of the day analyzing what you might have done wrong. Did you say something offensive in yesterday’s meeting? Are they upset about the project you’re working on together? In reality, they were probably just distracted thinking about their own deadline or personal issue.
➡️ It prevents you from developing your authentic self
When you’re constantly adjusting your personality, style, and choices based on what you think others want to see, you never get the chance to discover who you really are. You become a chameleon, shifting to match whatever environment you’re in, but losing touch with your genuine preferences and values.
Example: You find yourself agreeing with whatever opinion seems most popular in the group, wearing clothes that don’t feel like “you” because they’re trendy, or pursuing hobbies and interests that look good on paper rather than ones that actually excite you. Over time, you realize you’ve lost touch with what you actually like and want, because you’ve been so focused on what others might approve of. Learning to be cool while staying genuine becomes nearly impossible when you’re always performing for an audience.
How to stop caring what other people think
It takes practice and self-awareness, but you can learn to dial down the volume on other people’s opinions and turn up the volume on your own inner voice.
These practical exercises won’t teach you how to stop caring what other people think completely, but they’ll help you stay more grounded, trust your yourself, and balance your perspective. Here are 4 things you can start doing:
1. Start with reflection
The first step is recognizing when you’re caught in the trap of caring too much about others’ opinions. This requires honest self-reflection and the ability to catch yourself in the moment (like I did on that New York City street).
Pay attention to your thought patterns. You can do this by journaling, working with a counselor, or practicing meditation and mindfulness. Are you catastrophizing about what someone might think? Are you mind-reading and assuming you know exactly what’s going through their head? These are common thinking traps that can amplify your anxiety about others’ judgments. Noticing them is the first step to overcoming them.
When you notice these thoughts arising, pause and question them. What evidence do you actually have for what you’re assuming this person thinks? Is there another explanation for their behavior that has nothing to do with you? Try answering these questions in a journal or out loud in a conversation with yourself (that’s what self-talk is). This will help you start to break down these thoughts, which is major progress.
2. Identify your triggers
Different people and situations will activate your tendency to worry about others’ opinions. Start paying attention to these patterns without trying to change them yet—just notice and take notes.
Are there specific people who make you second-guess yourself more? Maybe it’s your boss, a certain friend, or people you perceive as more successful than you. Are there particular situations that trigger this anxiety—social media, work presentations, family gatherings?
Look for common themes. You might discover that you’re more susceptible to caring what others think when you’re tired, when you’re around authority figures, or when you’re in unfamiliar social settings. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward managing them.
3. Minimize your exposure to triggers
Once you’ve identified what sets off your anxiety about others’ opinions, you can start making strategic choices to limit your exposure while you build up stronger mental defenses.
Social media is a common culprit. In my own case, I discovered that scrolling through Instagram often left me feeling inadequate or overly focused on how my life measured up to others. So I cut back my usage.
Instagram and other social platforms are designed to feed into comparison culture. There’s no shame in stepping back from platforms that consistently trigger these thoughts.
Maybe you’ve noticed that certain people tend to activate your self-conscious thoughts. If someone in your life is particularly critical or judgmental, you might choose to limit one-on-one time with them or prepare yourself mentally before interactions.
Give yourself permission to feel anxious in naturally high-stakes situations. Of course you’re going to think about what the interviewer thinks after a job interview, or wonder how you came across on a first date. These are normal human responses to situations where others’ opinions genuinely matter.
The goal isn’t to eliminate all triggers from your life—that’s neither possible nor healthy. Instead, you’re creating space to practice new thought patterns without constantly being overwhelmed by situations that activate your old habits.
4. Before big events and decisions, interview yourself
To stop caring about what other people think, you have to get better at knowing what you truly want, without the influence of others.
Before you make any major decision or seek guidance from others, pause and conduct a thorough self-interview. Ask yourself what you genuinely want, what feels right to you, and what aligns with your values. This creates a foundation of self-knowledge that prevents other people’s opinions from completely overwhelming your own instincts.
The key is to temporarily tune out everyone else’s voices—real or imagined. That’s why I recommend doing this when you’re alone. Try writing down the answers, or thinking them over while you go on a long walk—that’s what works for me.
Questions to ask yourself include:
- If I was alone on a desert island, what would I choose?
- What’s my ideal outcome in this situation?
- If everyone I know was out of town, what would I do?
- What would make me feel most proud of myself afterward?
- If social media didn’t exist, what would I want to do?
- What would my most confident self choose?
These mental exercises help you access your true preferences before they get clouded by social pressure.
If you still want input from trusted friends or mentors after your self-interview, that’s perfectly fine. But now you’re seeking guidance from a place of self-awareness rather than complete uncertainty. You know where you stand, so their advice becomes additional information rather than the primary driver of your decision.
After gathering outside perspectives, interview yourself again. Ask the same questions and see if your answers have changed. Sometimes external input genuinely helps you see blind spots or consider new angles. Other times, you’ll realize that your initial instinct was right all along.
For further related reading, check out these posts:
It takes practice (and that’s okay)
Learning to care less about others’ opinions won’t happen overnight. In fact, it might feel uncomfortable at first—even anxiety-provoking. When I started practicing these techniques, I sometimes felt more anxious initially because I was going against years of ingrained habits.
Your brain has been prioritizing other people’s potential judgments for a long time. It’s going to resist this change and try to pull you back into old patterns. That’s completely normal and doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.
The key is consistency. Keep conducting those self-interviews before big decisions. Keep noticing your triggers and minimizing exposure when possible. Keep questioning those assumptions about what others are thinking. Each time you choose your own instincts over imagined judgments, you’re building stronger mental muscles.
Eventually, trusting your own heart and mind will become more natural than constantly seeking approval from others. You’ll still care about the people who matter to you, but their opinions won’t dictate your choices. And when you do catch yourself spiraling into people-pleasing thoughts, you’ll know exactly how to find your way back to your own voice.
